This Craigslist Ad Cracked Me Up!
I realize it has been a while since my last blog post but this ad for a used yoga mat and the story of how it came to be was making the rounds on Facebook today and I found it worthy of a quick share. If you have ever taken a hot yoga class, you just might relate.
Does anyone know the author? Are there any updates since it was published on 9/13/11?
Yoga mat for sale. Used once. – $1 (Bellevue)
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and ‘cool down’ in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level – probably by 15 degrees. So let’s conservatively say it’s 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day’s turmoil and mental scaring.1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein — effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the “shakes” consume my body.4:29p
Note to self – check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
The mat costs $1. The chuckles are free. 
You can view the ad here. I would personally like to thank the author of the ad for the much needed chuckles today. So, did you get many emails? Did you have any takers? I would love a follow up ad!
Yours in Yoga LOLs,
You Know You’re a Hot Yogi If …
So, you go to Hot Yoga class regularly. You know all the teachers. You have a group of yoga class friends. You even have your own “spot” in the room. Despite all of this and the fact that you grab every opportunity to rave about hot yoga to your non-yogi friends, and you’re pretty sure that yoga can cure anything (really, anything), you are still not convinced that you have earned the title of Hot Yogi/ni.
Well, here are some more indications, some clues if you will, that might help shed some light:
You Know You’re a Hot Yogi If …
You practice standing head-to-knee pose while putting your shoes and socks on.
You turn up the heat to do housework.
You’re laundry routine (which is a daily occurrence) includes baking soda and vinegar.
You freak out when you run out of electrolyte supplements.
You spend an uncommon amount of time thinking, perhaps even discussing, your digestion/elimination habits.
When people complain about the heat outside, you find yourself giving them a dirty look.
You do not use body lotion because if you do your Standing Bow Pose will suffer.
When you drink a glass of wine, you think, “Ooh, I’m gonna pay for THAT in yoga class.”
You 80/20 breathe through childbirth.
You tremble (with excitement and/or dread) when you hear the word Camel.
And …
You are already familiar with the 10 Things They Don’t Tell You About Hot Yoga.
Thanks for reading and feel free to add to this list.
Keep it Sweaty,
10 Things They Don’t Tell You About Hot Yoga [Funny]
Time for Some Smile Therapy.
I like to think of it as my contribution to the popular Laughter Yoga movement. Here’s a list of 10 things they leave out of the oh-so-enticing, hot-yoga-will-change-your-life brochures.
1. The stink. Your clothes and towels will find it. After a few hot yoga classes you will notice it. And it won’t go away on its own. Fortunately, there is help. Here is what has worked for me: White vinegar in the rinse cycle does wonders. You just have to run an extra rinse cycle at the end. Baking soda added at the beginning of the wash cycle also helps.
2. Drama Queens If you have been to a yoga class before you may have noticed that some people like to vocalize their yogic experience in the moment, usually with moans of pleasure or sighs of release. However, in hot yoga the vocalizations manifest a little differently. The pleasure moans are not unheard of, mind you, but you are more likely to hear load grunts, groans, scoffs, and even some swears as the so-called drama queen curses the sadistic teacher, the unbearable heat, the invasive smells, their own limitations, etc.
3. Emotional Outbursts Sometimes you might be the one making all the noise a la “#2 Drama Queens.” Giggle-fits a.k.a. “the giggles” are fairly common. On the other end of the spectrum, you have tears. Yes, right in the middle of class, you’ll begin sobbing for no apparent reason. In hot yoga class you are bumped right out of your comfort zone and confronted with yourself, your limitations or perhaps where you are holding on so strongly that when you are unable to control something (the heat, your body, etc.) you are forced to just LET GO. It can be pretty intense. Along with the physical release, you also let go of some serious emotional sh*t (as I affectionately refer to my “breakthroughs”). Fortunately, the yoga room is a safe place to be vulnerable and you are sweaty enough to hide the tears. So, cry (or laugh) it up. It’s good for you.
4. Creatures of Habit Whatever you do, don’t, seriously, don’t EVER mess with the regulars. You can tell these people by their rituals and routine. They arrive extra early to ensure their “spot” in the room and get pretty darned protective of it. If you do have a run in, best way to avoid a all-out brawl in the yoga studio: quietly pick up your mat and move. That’s it.
5. Bodily Function Overload. You are likely to fart or even throw up in class. Yoga postures twist and compress the abdomen and stimulate the digestive organs. It’s kind of the point. So, yes, farts in yoga class happen. They’ve “happened” to us all. So, it is safe to say that no one will judge you because of a little tootage. However, if you have the “death farts,” maybe you should consider skipping a class, you know, out of consideration for others. Also, backbends stretch the lining of the stomach and leave you feeling a little queezy (Holy Camel!). Often the heat and excessive sweating is enough to make you feel nauseous. It is for this reason most yoga studios and teachers recommend that you don’t eat for two hours or so before class. Either that or they don’t want to clean up your “leftovers.” Ew.
6. Over-Sharing You will get up close and personal with complete strangers. Like, in ways that, if it happened outside the sacred space of the yoga room, would induce bodily function overload. Here are some examples: The Sharing of The Sweat No it doesn’t stay neatly within the confines of your own mat and towel. It’s messy, it splashes, and sometimes on the most inconvenient of places (like in your eyes or in your mouth!); The Roaming Strands of Hair When you finally make it down to your mat after a standing series you notice not one, but two hairs stuck to your arm and neither one of them are from your own body; Your Smells Are Telling Whether it is the garlic in the italian food you had for dinner or perhaps you had tee-many-martoonis last night, the sweat, gives you away every time.
7. T.M.I.! Along the same lines as #6 … You might get an eyeful, i.e. wardrobe malfunction. In other words you’ll gain MUCH more information about somebody than you want to in this particular, sweaty, bendy context. To avoid wardrobe malfunction: ladies, wear clothes that fit and cover all the right places and guys, please wear fitted shorts, or at the very least, wear skivvies under those swim trunks. Which leads me to …
8. Modesty, Schmodesty You really won’t care that you are practically naked in a room full of strangers/mixed company/acquaintances, also mostly naked. Sheesh, I mean isn’t it enough that you are there – and willingly so?
9. It’s Not The Most Ideal Singles Hang Out Seriously. You will look like crap immediately after – sweaty, flushed, splotchy. And don’t forget about the aforementioned bodily function overload and over-sharing. It can be a bit much for even the most desperately seeking individual.
10. You will become adept at strategizing as you will find yourself plotting your escape at certain points in class. Okay, after this pose I will roll up my mat, navigate through a weave of sweaty people to the back of the room and tiptoeing quietly, I will scale the back wall until I make it to the door, at which point I will stealthfully open the door and make my way out to cool fresh air FREEDOM!!!
Mostly, I want to tell you that you won’t always like hot yoga and it will probably push your boundaries a little (okay – a LOT). I personally enjoy being bumped out of my comfy zone. I find that is when I really learn something about myself.
Having a sense of humor is important when diving head-on into personal transformation like we do in hot yoga. It is also helpful to know that you are not alone. So, please share your stories and comments below!
By the way, I highly recommend smiling in class, as much as possible.
Love,
Lindsay
For some added smiles, here is Nina Paley’s comic “Why I Quit My Yoga Class”
My Top 5 Yoga-Related YouTube Moments
So, with no cable television or satellite to speak of, I am a frequenter of the internet phenomenon that is YouTube. Sometimes educational, often entertaining, I just LOVE how much YOGA is out there! After much deliberation, I have narrowed it down to my Fav 5 Yoga Moments on YouTube (cue drum roll). For your consideration, we have:
#5 Esak Garcia 2007 Bikram Yoga Championships All thoughts about yoga asana competition aside (another day, another post perhaps), this is a truly beautiful demonstration and offering to the yoga community.
#4 I Need A Yogi Feels so wright it can’t be chatuWRONGa! A little bit crude? Maybe. A whole lot of funny? Definitely!
#3 Solid Potato Salad Where’s the yoga you ask? Just wait. It gets pretty bendy after about 45 seconds. Complete with 3-Person Cartwheel Mandala at the end. Yeowza!
#2 Acro-Yoga Performance Another exquisite offering of yoga. Also adding to the beauty: music by DJ ChebISabbah. All kinds of yoga yummy. Siiiiiiggghhhhhhh …
#1 Bodhisattva in metro This is my all time favorite. Hands down. Please watch and experience the magic for yourself.
Bodhisattva is the name given to anyone who seeks enlightenment for the benefit of ALL beings.
Thanks for tuning in! Please vote for your favorite below or feel free to add to the list!
Keep it Hot & Bendy,
Lindsay
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